Funny Insults

50 Funny Insults

If you're looking to insult someone, then it might be a smart move to use someone else's words.

Firstly, there are lots of clever and cutting insults that have already been polished by some of our sharpest comedians and authors. So, there is no need to reinvent the wheel.
Secondly, using someone else's words keeps you slightly distanced from the insult, which could afford you the freedom "to punch harder" or reduce the backlash.
Thirdly, if the insult has been used before, then this provides some evidence of the underlying jibe being accurate.

A Tip on Delivering Insults

The most effective insults are funny or clever. This means your insult might need a double-take before the message is fully understood and the impact felt. Here is an example of a clever insult:

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

Also, bear in mind, that a decent insult ought not to offend the recipient but offer an entertaining constructive criticism.

Of course, humour and sarcasm are effective forms of attack, but be sure to stay within the bounds of "witty" and not to cross the line into "nasty." A vicious insult usually ricochets dangerously.

"While seeking revenge, dig two graves – one for yourself."

Do you know a great insult? Please let us know. We'll add it.

"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr (American writer, 1913-1996)

"I'm trying to imagine you with a personality." Albert Einstein (German-born theoretical physicist, 1879-1955)

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception." Groucho Marx (American film comedian, 1890-1977)

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain (American writer, 1835-1910)

"He has the kind of face only a mother could love, and she might be wavering." Rodney Dangerfield (American comedian, 1921-2004)

"I see the wheel is spinning, but the hamster seems to be dead." anonymous

"His conversation is like the soup at a second-rate boarding house – thin and watery." Oliver Herford (American humorist, 1863-1935)

"If his IQ slips any lower, we'll have to water him twice a day." Molly Ivins (American newspaper columnist, 1944-2007)

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." Winston Churchill (British Conservative statesman, 1874-1965) about labour leader Clement Attlee

"If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely you would be." Mark Twain (American writer, 1835-1910)

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." Jack E. Leonard (American comedian, 1910-73)

"He can't help it – he was born with a silver foot in his mouth." Ann Richards (American politician, 1933-2006) about US president George W. Bush)

"You, sir, are drunk."
"And you, madam, are ugly. But in the morning, I shall be sober." Winston Churchill (British Conservative statesman, 1874-1965)

"She ran the whole gamut of emotions from A to B." Dorothy Parker (American critic and satirist, 1893-1967) about actress Katharine Hepburn's performance

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed (American attorney politician, 1839-1902)

"She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her head whistles." Dolly Parton (American singer and songwriter, 1946-)

"He is a man of great common sense and good taste – meaning thereby a man without originality or moral courage." George Bernard Shaw (Irish dramatist, 1856-1950)

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." Mark Twain (American writer, 1835-1910)

"If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people he gave it to." Dorothy Parker (American critic and humorist, 1893-1967)

"I'd challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you're unarmed." anonymous

"If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my parents." anonymous

"You're the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard." anonymous

"Your family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick." anonymous

"You're so slow, even Internet Explorer tries to console you." anonymous

"I would love to insult you, but nature did a better job." anonymous

"Your mouth is running faster than your brain, isn't it?" anonymous

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill (British Conservative statesman, 1874-1965)

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (American novelist, 1897-1962) American novelist Ernest Hemingway

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend ... if you have one." George Bernard Shaw (Irish dramatist, 1856-1950) to Prime Minister Winston Churchill

"I feel so miserable without you – it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop (American musician, 1951-)

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde (Irish dramatist and poet, 1854-1900)

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." Abraham Lincoln (American statesman, 1809-65)

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." Robert Redford (American actor, 1936-)

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West (American actress, 1892-1980)

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain (American writer, 1835-1910)

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson (English lexicographer, 1709-84)

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde (Irish dramatist and poet, 1854-1900)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder (American screenwriter and director, 1906-2002)

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb (American author, 1876-1944)

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright (British statesman, 1811-1889)

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker (American actor, 1919-1986)

"His ignorance is encyclopedic." Abba Eban (Israeli diplomat, 1915-2002)

"If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you." Muhammad Ali (American boxer, 1942-)

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts—for support rather than illumination." Andrew Lang (Scottish man of letters, 1844-1912)

"If there is anybody here that I have forgotten to insult, I apologize." Johannes Brahms (German composer, 1833-97)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." Groucho Marx (American film comedian, 1890-1977)

"A cherub's face, a reptile all the rest." Alexander Pope (English poet, 1688-1744)

"We are both being offensive. The difference is that I'm trying to be." F. E. Smith (British politician and lawyer, 1872-1930)

"I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion." Robert Louis Stevenson (Scottish novelist, 1850-94)

"Hey girls, seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?" John Sullivan (English screenwriter, 1946-2011) upon meeting two sisters

"He never chooses an opinion. He just wears whatever happens to be in style." Leo Tolstoy (Russian novelist, 1828-1910)

I was ignoring you the first time. anonymous

I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings when I said you were stupid ... I genuinely thought you already knew.anonymous

Keep rolling your eyes ... maybe you'll find a brain back thereanonymous

I bet you use your personality as a contraceptiveanonymous

Just because I don't care doesn't mean that I don't understandanonymous

... some successful people speak fluent crap ...anonymous

I'm not arguing. I'm just explaining why I'm right.anonymous

Some people just need a hug ... around the neck ... with a rope.anonymous

I didn't say it was your fault ... I merely said I was blaming you.anonymous

Why do we put so much effort into trying to find intelligent life on other planets? It's hard enough to find it here on planet Earth.anonymous

Bacteria are the only culture some people have ...anonymous

If ignorance is bliss, you must be in a constant state of euphoria.anonymous

Your IQ came back negative.anonymous

I'm emotionally constipated ... I just don't give a shit.anonymous

If I agreed, we'd both be wrong.anonymous

If only closed minds came with closed mouths.anonymous

When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.anonymous

Unless your name happens to be Google, stop acting as if you know everything.anonymous

He's so narrow-minded that when he runs, his head whistles.anonymous

You severely underestimate my apathy.anonymous

Let's play Fuck Off ... you go first.anonymous

It's not a complex ... you ARE inferior.anonymous

I'm not good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?Chandler Bing (Friends)

To call you stupid is to insult stupid people. I've known sheep that could outwit you. I've worn dresses with higher IQs.anonymous

If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll happily do it for you.anonymous

Before you turned up we were hungry ... now, we're fed up!anonymous

There, but for the grace of God, goes God. Winston Churchill (British Conservative statesman, 1874-1965)

Many people are alive today because it's illegal to shoot them.anonymous

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable ... like a coma?anonymous

You bring out the best insults in me.anonymous

So you changed your mind ... does this one work any better?anonymous

Of course I talk like an idiot. How else would you understand me?anonymous

I need what only you can provide ... your absence.anonymous

My wife gave birth to an entire baby in less time than it takes you to have a crap.anonymous

I'm silent because I'm speechless with incredulity, not because I agree.anonymous

Some day you'll go far ... the further the better.anonymous

You are the reason they put instructions on shampoo bottles.anonymous

If your phone doesn't ring, that'll be me.anonymous

People like you don't grow on trees ... they swing from them.anonymous

He has a black belt in partial artsanonymous

I was hoping for a battle of wits, but I see that you are unarmed.anonymous

Life is good ... you should get one.anonymous

How do you get your head so far up your arse while your foot's still in your mouth?anonymous

Go! And never darken my towels again! Groucho Marx (American film comedian, 1890-1977)

She lacks the power of conversation, but not the power of speech. George Bernard Shaw (Irish dramatist, 1856-1950)

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?anonymous

Little did he know ... but that never stopped him.anonymous

I liked your approach ... now let's see your departure.anonymous

A penny is a fair price for your thoughts.anonymous

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