100+ One-Liners

German jokes are no laughing matter. And jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a couple of hours; set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A duck's opinion of me is largely based on whether I have bread.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet — what happens when you strap toast to a cat?

Jokes about unemployed people don't work either.

People are telling Apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

"Knock knock!" "Who's there?"*"Granddad!"*"Doctor"*"Felix"* "Oooh heck! STOP THE FUNERAL!"

If you believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

2025 makes 1984 look like 1957.

Women's libbers should be put behind *bras.*bars.*their husbands.*

By the time you've said 'unanticipated', it's too late!

Women prefer strong silent types, except when it comes to farting.

Make your own antifreeze. Take away her blanket.

My pal had such a bad stammer that, by the time he'd finished telling us that his Nanna had died, we were all singing 'Hey Jude'.

Throwing Scrabble tiles at each other is all good fun, until someone loses *an I.*a letter.*their mind.*

The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers is fish and chips. And, I take that with a pinch of salt.

A dyslexic Devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

This worried-looking Chinese drug addict asked "Have you seen my cocaine?" I told him "Not since he starred in 'Zulu' and 'The Italian Job.'"

In a lingerie shop, I asked the girl "Are these knickers satin?" She said "No, they're new."

My memory foam mattress is trying to blackmail me.

A dyslexic man walked into a bra...

This dyslexic rabbi went around saying 'Yo! Yo!'

And we will continue to have meetings until we find out why no work is getting done."

If you feel like someone's watching you, you're not alone.

Someone has been dumping topsoil into my front garden. The plot thickens...

It's impossible to know if people are really interested in joining my new Sarcastic Club.

I asked the doctor for something for wind. He gave me *a kite.*a pill.*a stern look.*

This dyslexic pimp bought a warehouse.

This pirate came up to me and said "Aye, matey"...or maybe he was just some old bloke telling me his age.

Switzerland has its shortcomings, but the flag is *a big plus.*special.*interesting.*

A logician's wife has a baby. "Is it a boy or a girl?", she asks. "Of course", says the logician.

I went to the pharmacist looking for Viagra. I didn't have a prescription, but I showed them a photo of the wife.

Spiritual French pancakes give me the crepes.

This policeman asked me for my name. I told him: "Sorry, but I'm using it."

Illiterate? Write for help.

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

Who said Yorkshire people are mean? There's a pub in Halifax and each Friday they have a Happy Minute.

That Alaskan island you think you see may be an Aleutian.

There is no Original Sin – they've all been done before.

The cold air balloon never really took off.

She's looking for a man who takes her breath away. I wonder if gagging counts.

We need some fresh clichés.

Sorry, I'm not working online. The cat ate my *mouse.*keyboard.*router*

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

When two egotists are talking, it's an I for an I.

To err is human; to arr is *pirate.*sweet.*human too.*

Beauty is only sin deep.

"So, you drive across town to go to the gym, in order to walk on a treadmill? Interesting..."

They said I'd never be any good at poetry because I'm dyslexic, but I've already made three vases and a jug, so what do they know!

I called the Indian restaurant to make a reservation, but the man said that they're not that kind of Indians.

If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.

God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his own capabilities.

Tricky, if you're in a Mosque and you're addicted to leapfrog.

Jesus said "Let he is without sin amongst you cast the first stone. Not you, Mother!"

"Jesus loves you." A nice sentiment in Church, but terrifying in a Mexican prison.

Next time you meet a vertigo sufferer, say Hi! to him.

I told the doctor I could hear a constant buzzing. He said it was just a bug that's going around.

"To be Frank, I have a split personality", said Tom.

This transvestite from Greater Manchester has a Wigan address.

This blonde demanded to know why she had only one sister, but her brother had two.

The Mullah's wife called him a paedophile. He said "That's a big word for a nine-year-old."

They want to do away with Roman numerals, but not on MY watch, they won't.

I used to disapprove of organ transplants. But then I had a *change of heart.*sex change.*few beers.*

An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.

His heart's stopPed! Quick! Get the defillibrat..., debrilifato..., debrillifibator..., debatifrillor..., defibrillator! Forget it! Too late!

This guy's wife asked him to go into town and get a baby monitor. But he couldn't find one, so he got her a small iguana.

When my daughter was born, she was fat and jaundiced, so we called her Melanie.

They said the baby looked like me – then they turned her right way up.

Two men meet in a golf club. First golfer "I'm a country member". Second "Yes, I remember."

Piracy is killing the music industry. Well, you try playing a guitar with a hook.

Why did the precipice? Because the sea weed!

A journey of a thousand kilometres begins with Dad saying "I know a shortcut."

"Do you serve women in this bar?" "No, you have to bring your own."

Spiderman's only fear: Rolled-up Newspaper Man!

I just failed to finish a drag race. Stiletto heel snapped.

My pal had one eye higher than the other. Folks called him Isiah.

The butcher backed into the bacon slicer, and got behind with his orders.

I'm always frank with my sexual partners. I don't want them knowing my real name.

Mrs. Pfeiffer has a silent P. But when she takes a dump, you can hear it two streets away.

There's only one really satisfying way to boot a computer...

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. But teach a Nigerian how to phish, and he'll become a Prince.

Dial M for Dyslexia.

Drop a piano down a mine shaft, and you'll get A flat Minor.

Drop a piano onto the officers' mess, and you'll get A Flat Major.

Dyslexic Santa "Oh! Oh! Oh!"

Is my wife dissatisfied with my body? A tiny part of me says "yes!"

Asthma: What *a wheeze!*is that about?*a drag.*

The fat transvestite: all he wanted was to eat, drink, and be Mary.

Scotsmen wear kilts because sheep can hear zippers a mile away...

His plan for a paperless office looked good ... on paper.

I asked the shopkeeper for something for yellow teeth. He gave me a brown tie!

A Roman goes into a bar and asks for a Martinus. "You mean Martini?" "No, if I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for it."

A Roman goes into a bar, gives the barman a two-fingered V-sign: "Five pints, please."

A conspiracy theorist went into a bar ... or so they want us to believe.

William Shakespeare walks into a bar. Barman kicks him out: "You're Bard!"

A bossy bloke went into a bar and ordered everyone a round.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar ... you can't tell me that's a coincidence.

Guy walks into a bar with a lump of asphalt: "Pint please. And one for the road."

Calibri, Times New Roman, and Gill Sans went into a bar. The barman kicked them out: "We don't want your type in here."

Ghost walks into bar and orders a whisky. "We don't serve spirits here!"

Priest, rabbi and vicar go into a bar. Barman asks "Is this some kind of a joke?"

The past, present and future went into a bar. It *got tense*was cold*was dark* in there.

A gymnast walks into a bar. He got a two-point deduction and ruined his chances of a medal.

Two men go into a bar. First man says "your round". Second man says "So are you, you fat bastard."

Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one.

Olympic limbo dancer walks into a bar. So much for his hopes of a medal.