Funny Telegrams

A list of funny telegrams

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What Are Telegrams?

Telegrams were a primary form of long-distance communication from the mid-19th century until the late 20th century, before telephones and electronic messaging became widespread. Sent via telegraph networks, they were transmitted over the airwaves using Morse code and then then printed and delivered to recipients. Using this method, telegrams could be received within hours of sending, which was an astonishing speed for the time.

Although amazingly quick, telegrams were expensive. Each word cost money, so senders were usually highly economical with language, crafting concise, sometimes cryptic messages to reduce their costs. This brevity, combined with the formal delivery — often by a uniformed messenger — gave telegrams a distinctive gravitas. They were used for significant occasions such as births, deaths, business deals, and urgent news, which is why receiving a telegram carried such a sense of importance.

"STREETS FLOODED. PLEASE ADVISE." Robert Benchley (American humorist, 1889-1945) on arriving in Venice

"VERY SORRY CAN'T COME. LIE FOLLOWS BY POST." Lord Charles Beresford (British politician, 1846-1919) message to the Prince of Wales, on being summoned to dine at the eleventh hour

"BROKE. WIFE PREGNANT. SEND POEM." Writer's classic telegram to his editor requesting funds.

"WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT?" Samuel Morse, 1844 — the first official telegraph message ever sent.

"THIS IS PREPOSTEROUS — I ONLY SAID I WAS BETTER, NOT WELL." Composer Gustav Mahler, replying to a premature obituary telegram.

*"THE OLD MAN*"HE*"THE GEORGIAN* IS DEAD." Telegram announcing the death of Joseph Stalin, 1953.

"SITUATION DESPERATE. SEND *CHOCOLATE."*REINFORCEMENTS."*HOPE."* British Army telegram from the Western Front during World War I.

"ARRIVED SAFELY. HAVE BEEN SHOT. DOCTOR SAYS NOT DANGEROUS." War correspondent's telegram from the front lines.

"IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND SUITABLE MAN TO FILL VACANCY. SUGGEST ABOLISHING POST." From a bureaucrat's telegram noted for its dry wit.

"CONGRATULATIONS ON THE END OF YOUR ORDEAL. I WISH I HAD ONE." George Bernard Shaw, congratulating a newly married friend.

"WEDDING POSTPONED. INFECTION IN BRIDE. HOPE TEMPORARY." Humorous real-life telegram with unfortunate phrasing.

"START WORRYING. DETAILS TO FOLLOW." Classic example of darkly comic telegram humor, later used in literature and film.

"PLEASE SEND ME A QUOTE FOR YOUR NEW BOOK." — "NO." Telegram exchange between a journalist and playwright George Bernard Shaw.

"HAVING WONDERFUL TIME. WISH I WERE HERE." Humorous twist on the traditional holiday message.

"CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR TELEGRAM. HOPE YOU GET MANY MORE." Playful meta-telegram poking fun at the popularity of the medium.

"WIRE ME IMMEDIATELY ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS OR I'LL JUMP OFF THIS BUILDING. P.S. SEND ANOTHER THOUSAND TO BREAK MY FALL." Comic exaggeration of a desperate plea for money.

"CONGRATULATIONS. YOU DESERVE ALL THE SUCCESS *YOU CAN STEAL."*IN THE WORLD."*I DESERVE."* Backhanded congratulatory telegram of unknown origin.

"CANNOT COME ON ACCOUNT OF DEATH. HAVE YOU CONSIDERED FRIDAY?" Example of gallows humour in telegram form.

"SOLD COW. MILK INCLUDED." Farmer's bluntly phrased business telegram.

"I AM NOT COMING. I AM ALREADY THERE." Telegram with a surreal, philosophical twist.

"WHERE IS TELEGRAM YOU PROMISED TO SEND?" Self-referential joke telegram.

"DELIGHTED TO BE RECOGNIZED. WHO ARE YOU?" Witty response to an unknown admirer.

"AM IN MARKET HARBOROUGH. WHERE OUGHT I TO BE?" G. K. Chesterton (English essayist, novelist, and poet, 1874-1936) appeal to his wife

"TOO MUCH CAKE. STOP. SEND REINFORCEMENTS. STOP. DIET CANCELED. STOP." Anon friend at a birthday party

"WEATHER REPORT: HOTTER THAN THE DEVIL'S SAUNA. STOP. ICE CREAM TRUCK DESERTED. STOP. SEND POPSICLES. STOP." Anon friend during heatwave

"ATTENTION: CATS ARE SECRETLY PLANNING A WORLD DOMINATION. STOP. STOCK UP ON CATNIP TO BEFRIEND THE OVERLORDS. STOP." anonymous

"HAVE MOVED HOTEL EXCELSIOR COUGHING MYSELF INTO A FIRENZE." Noel Coward (English dramatist, actor, and composer, 1899-1973) telegram from Florence

"LEGITIMATE AT LAST WONT MOTHER BE PLEASED." Noel Coward (English dramatist, actor, and composer, 1899-1973) on Gertrude Lawrence's first straight role

"PUT CORPSE ON ICE TILL CLOSE OF PLAY." E. M. Grace (English cricketer, 1841-1911) sent by W. G. Grace's elder brother, a cricket-playing coroner, to postpone an inquest

"FEAR I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO REACH YOU IN TIME FOR THE CEREMONY. DON'T WAIT." James McNeill Whistler (American-born painter, 1834-1903) telegram of apology for missing Oscar Wilde's wedding

"UNABLE OBTAIN BIDET. SUGGEST HANDSTAND IN SHOWER." Billy Wilder (American screenwriter and director, 1906-2002) whose wife had requested him, when in Paris, to buy and send her a bidet

Thinking Template for a Speech or Text on Telegrams

Below are 3 funny themes and 3 serious themes related to telegrams. These have been included to help you identify areas to explore.

Funny Themes:

Telegram Tales: Hilarious Messages and Memorable Mishaps
- Share amusing anecdotes or stories about funny telegrams sent or received, from humorous messages to unexpected replies.
Telegram Typos: The Funniest Autocorrects and Misinterpretations
- Explore humorous scenarios or mishaps involving autocorrect errors or misinterpretations in telegrams, highlighting funny misunderstandings or unintended messages.
Telegrams and Tangles: The Most Entertainingly Chaotic Communications
- Discuss comical situations or misunderstandings caused by telegrams, from mix-ups in delivery to funny situations involving telegram operators.

Serious Themes:

Historical Significance: Role, Impact, and Evolution of Telegrams
- Explore the historical significance of telegrams as a means of communication, discussing their role in shaping historical events, diplomacy, and business transactions.
Technological Advancements: From Telegrams to Digital Communication
- Discuss the evolution of communication technologies, from telegrams to modern digital platforms, and their impact on global connectivity and information exchange.
Telegram Preservation: Archival Practices, Historical Records, and Cultural Heritage
- Address the importance of preserving telegrams as historical records, discussing archival practices, digital preservation efforts, and their role in cultural heritage.

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