Good Advice

Accept who you are ... unless you happen to be *a serial killer.*me.*schizophrenic.*

Be yourself. Everyone else is taken. Oscar Wilde (Irish playwright, 1854–1900)

Change what you can't accept ... and accept what you can't change.

Find out who you are, and do it on purpose. Dolly Parton (American singer, 1946–)

If you want to be happy, be. Leo Tolstoy (Russian novelist, 1828–1910)

Life is short, so smile while you still have teeth.

Remember to live before you die.

Sometimes, the appropriate response to reality is to go mad.

We would accomplish many more things if we didn't think of them as impossible. Vince Lombardi (American football coach, 1913–70)

When things go wrong, don't *go with them.*give in.*give up.*

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible. Dalai Lama (spiritual leader, 1935–)

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde (Irish playwright, 1854–1900)

If you can't be kind, be vague.

Kindness involves loving people more than they deserve.

Love thy neighbour ... but don't get caught.

Speak well of your enemies – you made them.

At a job interview, promise to give 110%...unless you're interviewing for a statistician's job.

Choose a job you enjoy, then you'll never have to work a day in your life.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure. Mark Twain (American author, 1835-1910)

To be rich: Rise early. Work late. Strike oil.

There are those who do things and those who get the credit. Try to belong to the first group ... there's less competition. Indira Gandhi (Indian politician, 1917–1984)

A speech should be like a ladies' dress: long enough to cover the subject, but short enough to be interesting.

Avoid clichés like the plague.

Examine what is said, not who is saying it.

Honesty is the best policy; insanity the best defence.

It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid, than to open it and remove all doubt. Mark Twain (American author, 1835-1910)

It's easy to appear to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say, and then don't say it.

Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers. Voltaire (French philosopher, 1694–1778)

Lower your voice and strengthen your argument.

Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far. Theodore Roosevelt (26th President of the United States, 1858–1919)

Speak while you are angry, and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.

Tell the truth in the form of a joke.

Think like a wise man, but communicate in the language of the people. W.B. Yeats (Irish poet, 1865–1939)

When you have nothing to say, *say nothing.*make it up.*shout louder.*

"Because it would be hilarious" is not a good reason to elect a president.

Beware of Greeks bearing economic recovery plans.

Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain (American author, 1835-1910)

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. Mark Twain (American author, 1835-1910)

If you have kleptomania, then take something for it.

If you have to choose between two evils, pick the one you haven't tried before.

If you haven't got anything remotely interesting to say, join Facebook and tell everyone there.

If you're ever attacked by a bunch of clowns, *go for the juggler.*run.*just go with it.*

If your enemy harms you, buy each of his kids a big drum.

In politics, you must keep a very tight rein on your conscience.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Join the Army, see the world, meet interesting people ... and kill them.

Marriage has no guarantees. If you want a guarantee, marry a car battery.

Say NO to Drugs. Then stop talking to them...

Say no. Then negotiate.

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon cures it.

Therapy is expensive. Popping plastic bubble wrap is cheap. You'll see...

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first then call whatever you hit 'the target'.

You can fool some of the people all the time ... these are the ones to concentrate on.'

Be decisive! The roads are paved with flat squirrels that couldn't make up their minds.

If you want to catch a bus, think *like a bus...*again.*twice.*

Jumping queues reduces your wait.

Keep fit. Take steps to avoid elevators.

Keep your dream alive! Hit the 'snooze' button.

When all else fails ... read the instructions.

When all else fails, lower your standards.

When you're going through Hell, keep going. Winston Churchill (British statesman, 1874–1965)

'If you can't beat them, join them' is sound advice, but while they're expecting you to join them, you can use the element of surprise to beat them.

If you can't beat your enemies, arrange to have them beaten.

In the fight between you and the world, back the world. Franz Kafka (Bohemian writer, 1883–1924)

Always be sincere, even *when you don't mean it.*if it's hard.*at night.*

Always be sure to get your retaliation in first.

Always borrow money from a pessimist – he doesn't expect to get it back.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Always give 100%...unless you're donating blood.

Always keep your words soft and sweet ... in case you have to eat them.

Always look before you press "Reply All".

Always play fairly when you hold the winning hand.

Always read a book that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it...

Always remember that you're unique ... just like *everyone else.*your father.*me.*

Always say no to drugs. It'll drive the prices down for the rest of us.

Do something with the rest of your life.

Do unto others before they do unto you.

Do unto your enemies as they'd like to do unto you, but do it first.

Don't break anyone's heart; they only have one. But they do also have 206 bones.

Don't believe everything you hear. Real eyes, realize, real lies.

Don't confuse *an open*a great*a stupid* mind with a vacant one.

Don't eat anything fatty. In fact, just don't eat anything, Fatty.

Don't let your schooling interfere with your education.

Don't make fun of people who speak broken English. It means they know another language.

Don't tell others to do what you can't.

Don't trust skiing as a sport ... its I's are too close together.

Don't wait to live life – right now is the oldest you've ever been, and the youngest you'll ever be, so go for it.

Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. Coco Chanel (French fashion designer, 1883–1971)

Don't wear headphones while vacuuming ... I just vacuumed the whole house before finding out that I hadn't plugged it in.

Don't worry about the world ending today – it's already tomorrow in Australia.

If at first you don't succeed in love, try a little ardour

If at first you don't succeed, blame your predecessor.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

If at first you don't succeed, reboot.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine "success"

If at first you don't succeed, *skydiving*Mathematics*farming* ain't for you.

If at first you don't succeed, try and try again. Then give up ... no point in being ridiculous about it.

Never ask a *starfish*child*foreigner* for directions.

Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to simple stupidity.

Never die for your beliefs – you might be wrong.

Never do a runner from a Kenyan restaurant...

Never eat more than you can lift.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants are all dead.

Never hit a man with glasses ... use a baseball bat.

Never invest your money in anything that eats.

Never judge a book by its movie.

Never kiss a newborn baby, you don't want to know where it's been.

Never kiss an ugly girl. She'll tell everyone.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas into the top bunk.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.

Never read a pop-up book about *giraffes.*lions.*witches.*

Never tell a story because it's true. Tell it because it's a good story.

Never trust children. They're here to replace us.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

When it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.

Go ahead and listen to the blues, if that makes you happy.

If it tastes like butter and spreads straight from the frig', you've probably had a power cut.

If keeping up with the Jones's is too expensive, drag them down to your level.

If you have to be odd, then be *No 1.*just so.*the oddest.*

If you're a woman who wants longer lashes, try showing a bit of ankle in Saudi Arabia.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, or over a little see-saw, or jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that.

If you're thinking of taking up cross-country skiing, then start with a small country.

If you're too open-minded, your brains might drop out.

If your glass is half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

In a divorce, don't get mad ... get everything.

In any given situation, the correct course of action is always determined by subsequent events.

In boxing, never bet on the white guy.

No matter how nice the soap smells, never walk out of a public toilet sniffing your fingers.

On May 1st, don't forget to send Mayday greetings to *all ships at sea.*your friends.*your parents.*

People believe anything, if you whisper it.

Remember that showing your emotions in public is like bleeding next to a shark.

When embarking on an Amazonian adventure, choose your comrades carefully ... you may have to eat them!

When everything is coming your way, you're on the wrong side of the road.

When in doubt ... mumble.

When in doubt, sound convincing.

When in doubt, look intelligent.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.