Great Puns

Politicians and nappies both need to be changed frequently — and for the same reason.

To understand politics, read *between the lies.*more.*Mein Kampf.*

Britain used to rule the waves, but since Brexit, they've merely waived the rules.

Since Brexit, Europe has lost 1GB of space.

I have no time for political jokes. Too many of them get elected.

Bulldoze (v): Fall asleep during a political speech or religious sermon.

Pushing Donald Trump into wet concrete would *set a bad president.*be a crime.*be a start.*

William Shakespeare walks into a bar. Barman says: *"You're Bard!"*"Howdy."*"Did that hurt?"*

A Roman goes into a bar and asks for a Martinus. "You mean Martini?" "No, if I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked."

The past, present, and future walked into a bar ... it got tense.

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre ... so the barman gives her one.

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have some H₂O." The second says, "I'll have some H₂O too" — and he dies.

Drink responsibly — don't *spill it.*overdo it.*drink at work.*

I'm in shape. Round is a shape — especially after a few pints.

He went to Agricultural College to do Sheep Studies ... got a BAA.

A badger cull is never a black and white issue.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

The difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One's heavy; the other's a little lighter.

The cat ate some cheese, then waited for *the mouse with baited breath.*for some more.*midnight.*

Two goldfish in a *tank*quandary*debate* — but neither can drive it.

A dog eats Scrabble tiles; for days he leaves little messages around the house.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

You can't hear a pterodactyl pee because the P is silent.

A frog parked illegally — it got toad away.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah — he was trying to pull a fast one.

A cow ate some blue-grass ... and mooed indigo.

They cross-bred a Bulldog and a Shihtzu ... and produced Bullshit.

Dogs can't see inside you, but CAT scan.

King Arthur's round table was presumably designed by Sir *Cumference.*Lancelot.*Talksalot.*

When Sir Lancelot was buried, they wrote on his tomb: "Rust in Peace."

Romans used a pair of Caesars to cut their hair.

Two wrongs don't make a right — but two Wrights did make an airplane.

The Middle Ages were also known as the Dark Ages because there were too many *knights.*deaths.*power outages.*

In olden times, vegetarians were called peasants.

The Impressionists were carefree and adventurous because they had Little Toulouse.

Richard III was bitterly opposed to the car park plan — "over my dead body".

There's no *future in*reason to study*learning from* history.

Camelot had a great knight life.

Before the Bronze Age, the people who came third were just also-rans.

History Channel +1 — where history repeats itself.

A runny nose is not dry ... no, it's snot.

Diarrhoea is hereditary — it runs in your jeans.

I used to disapprove of organ transplants. But then I had a change of heart.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say 'Ahhh'." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's just died."

Asthma: what a wheeze!

In my slimming course, I've gone down from "Don't eat anything fatty." to "Don't eat anything, Fatty."

It isn't the cough that carries you off, it's the coffin they carry you off in.

Constipated people just don't *give a sh#t.*care.*fly on planes.*

Diarrhoea is hereditary: it runs in your jeans. But if it only runs down one leg, it's monorrhoea.

A nurse found a rectal thermometer in her pocket. So some arsehole had her pen.

Pharmacist (n): A farmhand.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

Psychopath (n): Bike lane.

Outpatient (n): One who has fainted.

Hospice (n): Equine urine.

Bacteria (n): Back door of cafeteria.

CAT Scan: Search for lost feline.

Artery: The study of paintings.

Anally: Occurring yearly.

Hipatitis: Like wow, real coolness, man.

Inoculatte: Coffee taken intravenously.

Psychoceramic: A crackpot.

Flatulence (n): Emergency vehicle that picks up people who have been run over by steamrollers.

Without art, the Earth is just ... Eh.

Even the greatest composers, when they die, start decomposing.

Reading the Classics while sunbathing makes you well red.

He has Van Gogh's ear for music.

An autobiography without punctuation is a life sentence.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity — I can't put it down.

The man who stole my diary has died. My thoughts are now with his family.

One reassuring thing about modern art is the knowledge that things can't be as bad as they are painted.

My neighbours all listen to good music — whether they like it or not.

I had to stop my kids from listening to orchestral music — too much Sax and Violins.

Wagner's music is better than *it sounds.*Mozart's.*his singing.*

Spelling is a lossed art.

I was reading a book called "Anti-Climax." The first half was very good.

If God had meant us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had ten disciples.

I didn't believe in reincarnation in my last life, either.

A priest mixed holy water and laxatives, and started a religious movement.

Church mice are devoted to *Cheeses.*Jesus.*themselves.*

Cat-holic (n): A religious person who's addicted to cats.

Christening (n): A wake for a couple's sex life.

Circumvent (n): Opening in the front of Jewish boxer shorts.

Claustrophobia (n): Fear of Father Christmas.

"Jesus loves you." A nice sentiment in Church, but terrifying in a Mexican prison.

If it wasn't for Venetian blinds, it'd be curtains for all of us.

In Scotland, the forbidden fruit is ... fruit.

German jokes are no laughing matter. And jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

Beauty is only sin deep.

A dyslexic Devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

A German jumps into a river to save a dog. "Are you a vet?" asks a passer-by. "I'm verse, I'm bloody zoaking!"

Grilling a chicken: "Okay, one more time — why did you cross the road?"

The best way of showing the prevalence of obesity is with a pie chart.

New chain of Russian coffee shops – Tsarbucks.

The toughest job must be selling doors — door to door.

When I heard that Oxygen and Magnesium were getting together, I thought — OMg!