Marriage

"When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." Prince Philip (Duke of Edinburgh, 1921-2021)

"Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are." Will Ferrell (American actor, 1967-)

"Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open." George Bernard Shaw (Irish dramatist, 1856-1950)

"Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day." Mickey Rooney (American actor, 1920-2014)

"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed." Albert Einstein (Theoretical physicist, 1879-1955)

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's *mad.*happiest.*in charge.* Helen Rowland (American writer, 1875-1950)

"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." Mae West (American actress, 1892-1980)

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that they're too *old*important*young* to do it." Anne Bancroft (American actress, 1931-2005)

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning." Clint Eastwood (American actor, 1930-)

"Had date night tonight. Went to Lowe's and bought a toilet." anonymous

"I think people should mate for life – like pigeons, or Catholics." Woody Allen (director and actor, 1935-)

"Marriage is the only *war*agreement*time* where one sleeps with the enemy." anonymous

"All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble." anonymous

"The marriage suffered a setback in 1965 when the husband was killed by the wife." anonymous

"I'm not going to make the same mistake once." Warren Beatty (American actor, 1937-)

"Love matches are formed by people who pay for a month of honey with a life of vinegar." Countess of Blessington (Irish novelist, 1789-1849)

"It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four." Samuel Butler (English novelist, 1835-1902)

"I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all." Lord Byron (English poet, 1788-1824)

"I am not at all the sort of person you and I took me for." Jane Carlyle (wife of Thomas Carlyle, 1801-66)

"Marriage is a feast where the *grace*dessert*chef* is better than the dinner." Charles Caleb Colton (English writer, 1780-1832)

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." Billy Connolly (Scottish comedian, 1942-)

"Marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation." Richard Curtis (New Zealand-born writer, 1956-)

"We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together." Rodney Dangerfield (American comedian, 1921-2004)

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." Benjamin Franklin (American politician, inventor, and scientist, 1706-90)

"I support gay marriage because I believe they have a right to be just as *miserable*happy*annoyed* as the rest of us." Kinky Friedman (American singer and politician, 1944-)

"A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished." Zsa Zsa Gabor (Hungarian-born film actress, 1917-2016)

"My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit." Jerry Hall (American model, 1956-)

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in *sheep.*dogs.*parrots.* A. P. Herbert (English writer and humorist, 1890-1971)

"Do you think I'd marry anyone who would marry me?" Henry James (American novelist, 1843-1916)

"The most difficult year of marriage is the one you're in." Franklin P. Jones (American businessman, 1887-1929)

"The honeymoon is over when he phones that he'll be late for supper – and she has already left a note that it's in the refrigerator." Bill Lawrence (American screenwriter, 1968-)

"Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl." Stephen Leacock (Canadian humorist, 1869-1944)