Relationships

"Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes." Jim Carrey (Canadian actor, 1962-)

Women are meant to be loved, not to be *understood.*thanked.*taken for granted.* Oscar Wilde (Irish dramatist and poet, 1854-1900)

"The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest they're too *old*uncoordinated*unfit* to do it." Anne Bancroft (American actress, 1931-2005)

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can *fake*crack*show* that, you're in." Richard Jeni (American comedian, 1957-2007)

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to *annoy*sleep with*be with* for the rest of your life." Rita Rudner (American comedienne and writer, 1953-)

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said 'nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.' So I got her *nothing.*one.*two.* anonymous

"Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke, and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome." Jerry Seinfeld (American comedian, 1954-)

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." Will Ferrell (American actor, 1967-)

"Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade." anonymous

My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we *met.*divorced.*had children.* Rodney Dangerfield (American comedian, 1921-2004)

"I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised." anonymous

"A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think we have a dead shark on our hands." Woody Allen (American film director, 1935-)

"The feeling of friendship is like that of being comfortably filled with roast beef; love, like being enlivened with champagne." James Boswell (Scottish lawyer and biographer, 1740-95)

"Once the trust goes out of a relationship it's really no fun lying to them any more." Glen Charles (screenwriter, 1943-) and Les Charles (screenwriter, 1943-)

"Once a woman has forgiven her man, she must not reheat *his sins*last night's supper*the stove* for breakfast." Marlene Dietrich (German-born American actress, 1901-92)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and *fight.*work it out.*have a dance off.* Phyllis Diller (American actress, 1917-2012)

"I know a lot of people didn't expect our relationship to last – but we've just celebrated our two months anniversary." Britt Ekland (Swedish actress, 1942-)

"Men love women, women love children; children love hamsters – it's quite hopeless." Alice Thomas Ellis (English novelist, 1932-2005)

"A woman who can't forgive should never have more than a nodding acquaintance with a man." E. W. Howe (American novelist and editor, 1853-1937)

"He gets off with women because he can't get on with them." Rosamund Lehmann (English novelist, 1901-90) about the British writer Ian Fleming

"Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both." Dorothy Parker (American critic and humorist, 1893-1967)

"Whenever I date a guy, I think: Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" Rita Rudner (American comedienne and writer, 1953-)

We had a lot in common. I loved him, and he loved *him.*me.*the dog.* Shelley Winters (American actress, 1922-2006) on divorcing the Italian actor Vittorio Gassman