Speeches

"The human brain starts working the moment you are born and never stops until you stand up to speak in public." George Jessel (American comedian, 1898-1981)

"An after dinner speech should be like a lady's dress: long enough to cover the subject but short enough to be interesting." anonymous

Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and *remove all doubt.*bore everyone.*close it like a goldfish.* Mark Twain (American writer, 1835-1910)

"There are three golden rules for Parliamentary speakers: 'Stand up. Speak up. Shut up.'" anonymous

"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech." Mark Twain (American writer, 1835-1910)

"I have a love interest in every one of my films – a gun." Arnold Schwarzenegger (Austrian-born American actor and Republican politician, 1947-)

"The audience is always right." anonymous

"I do not object to people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I strongly object when they start shaking them to make certain they are still going." Lord Birkett (English judge, 1883-1962)

"Castroenteritis." Guillermo Cabrera Infante (Cuban writer, 1929-2005) describing Fidel Castro's speaking style

"That wasn't a maiden speech – it was a brazen hussy of a speech – a painted tart of a speech. Winston Churchill (British Conservative statesman, 1874-1965) afte A. P. Herbert's maiden speech in the House of Commons

"Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages." Barry Goldwater (American Republican politician, 1909-98)

Please can we have no more complaints about the pauses in Tony Blair's speeches. They are *the best parts.*discourteous.*not helping.* David Guest (American producer, 1953-2016)

"The most popular speaker is the one who sits down before he stands up." John Pentland Mahaffy (Irish writer, 1839-1919)

"A speech is like a love affair: any fool can start one but to *end one*maintain one*start two* requires considerable skill." Lord Mancroft (British Conservative politician, 1914-87)

"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy." Jerry Seinfeld (American comedian, 1954-)

"He has devoted the best years of his life to preparing his *impromptu*public*witty* speeches." F. E. Smith (British Conservative politician and lawyer, 1872-1930) talking about Winston Churchill

"I fear I cannot make an amusing speech. I have just been reading a book which says that 'all geniuses are devoid of humour'." Stephen Spender (English poet, 1909-95)

"The last time I was in this hall was when my late beloved boss, Frank Knox, the secretary of the Navy, spoke here, and it was a better speech than the one I'll be giving here tonight. I should know, I wrote them both." Adlai Stevenson (American Democratic politician, 1900-65)

*Whales*Spouses*Teapots* only get killed when they spout. Denis Thatcher (British businessman, 1915-2003) declining an interview

"To remain silent is the most useful service that a mediocre speaker can render to the public good." Alexis de Tocqueville (French historian and politician, 1805-59)