England

"In England, there are sixty different religions and only one sauce." Francesco Caracciolo (Italian admiral and revolutionary, 1752-1799)

"The English certainly and fiercely pride themselves in never praising themselves." Wyndham Lewis (British writer, 1882-1957)

"In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'" Robin Williams (American actor, 1952-)

"The readiness of the English to apologise for something they haven't done is remarkable." Henry Hitchings (British author, 1974-)

"If an earthquake were to engulf England tomorrow, the English would manage to meet and dine somewhere among the rubble, just to celebrate the event." Douglas Jerrold (English dramatist and journalist, 1803-57)

The English are not happy unless they are *miserable.*at home.*eating.* George Orwell (English novelist, 1903-50)

"Tea to the English is really a picnic indoors." Alice Walker (novelist, 1944-)

"England doesn't have summer, it has continuous autumn with a fortnight's variation here and there." Natasha Pulley (British author, 1988-)

"In the bible, it rained for 40 days and 40 nights – they called it a disaster. In England, we call it summer!" Anon

"What? Sunday morning in an English family and no sausages! God bless my soul, what's the world coming to!" Dorothy Sayers (English crime writer, 1893-1957)

"To eat well in England you should have *breakfast*lunch*dinner* three times a day." W. Somerset Maugham (English novelist, 1874-1965)

"The land of embarrassment and breakfast." Julian Barnes (English novelist, 1946-)

"The biggest difference between England and America is that England has history, while America has geography." Neil Gaiman (English author, 1960-)

"We have really everything in common with America nowadays except, of course, language." Oscar Wilde (Irish dramatist and poet, 1854-1900)

"The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right." Quentin Crisp (English writer, 1908-99)

"There's an accent shift, on average, every 25 miles in England." David Crystal (British linguist, 1941-)

"The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100 years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way." Marilyn vos Savant (American magazine columnist, 1946-)

"The Englishman who visits Mount Etna will carry his *tea-kettle*wife*sausages* to the top." Ralph Waldo Emerson (American philosopher and poet, 1803-82)

"What other country could possibly have come up with place names like Tooting Bec and Farleigh Wallop, or a game like cricket that goes on for three days and never seems to start?" Bill Bryson (American travel writer, 1951-)

"Boasting about *modesty*sport*themselves* is typical of the English." Anon

"The North, where England tucks its shirt in its underpants." Simon Armitage (English poet, 1963-)

"The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes." Thomas Beecham (English conductor, 1879-1961)

"The English like *eccentrics.*dogs.*musicians* They just don't like them living next door." Julian Clary (English comedian, 1959-)

"The country has grown too small for its boots." Claud Cockburn (British writer and journalist, 1904-81)

"Contrary to popular belief, English women do not wear tweed nightgowns." Hermione Gingold (English actress, 1897-1987)

"Even crushed against his brother on The Tube, the average Englishman pretends desperately that he is alone." Germaine Greer (Australian feminist, 1939-)

"The old English belief that if a thing is unpleasant it is automatically good for you." Osbert Lancaster (English writer and cartoonist, 1908-86)

"If an Englishman gets run down by a truck, he apologizes to the truck." Jackie Mason (American comedian, 1931-)

"An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one." George Mikes (Hungarian-born writer, 1912-87)

"An Englishman thinks he is moral when he is only uncomfortable." George Bernard Shaw (Irish dramatist, 1856-1950)

"Wensleydale lies between Tuesleydale and Thursleydale." Arthur Smith (English comedian, 1954-)

He is a typical Englishman, always dull and usually *often*violent.*drunk.* Oscar Wilde (Irish dramatist and poet, 1854-1900)

"You should study the peerage, Gerald. It is the best thing in fiction the English have ever done." Oscar Wilde (Irish dramatist and poet, 1854-1900)

"I like a man to be a clean, strong, upstanding Englishman who can look his gnu in the face and put an ounce of lead in it." P. G. Wodehouse (English-born writer, 1881-1975)