Food

"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants." Anon

"I'm not saying I'm addicted to *caffeine*wine*garlic* but my blood type is now 'espresso." Anon

"I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food." W. C. Fields (American humorist, 1880-1946)

"I am not a glutton – I am an explorer of food." Erma Bombeck (American humorist, 1927-96)

"I don't always know what I'm talking about but I know I'm talking about food." Chris Rock (American comedian, 1965-)

"My weaknesses have always been food and *men*alcohol*dieting* – in that order." Dolly Parton (American singer and songwriter, 1946-)

"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand." Anon

"I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table." Rodney Dangerfield (American comedian, 1921-2004)

"I will not eat *oysters.*beef.*snails.* I want my food dead – not sick, not wounded – dead." Woody Allen (American film director, writer, and actor, 1935-)

Mrs Thatcher: "Steak."
Waiter: "And the vegetables?"
Mrs Thatcher: "Oh, they'll have steak too." Anon

You do realise that *tinned food*corned beef*aspirin* is just for crack-heads and wars? Jesse Armstrong (British screenwriter, 1970-)

Frosties are just cornflakes for people who can't deal with *reality.*porridge.*sugar.* Jesse Armstrong (British screenwriter, 1970-)

There's no such thing as a little *garlic.*wine.*oregano.* Arthur Baer (American journalist, 1886-1969)

"A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch." James Beard (American chef, 1903-85)

"A gourmet can tell from the flavour whether a woodcock's leg is the one on which the bird is accustomed to roost." Lucius Beebe (American writer, 1902-66)

I've always thought Alfred showed a marked lack of ingenuity over cakes – why didn't he cut off the burnt bits, and ice the rest? Madeline Bingham (English writer, 1912-1988)

I'm President of the United States, and I'm not going to eat any more *broccoli!*beef!*mushrooms!* George Bush (American Republican statesman, 1924-)

"If you are afraid of *butter*ghosts*milking cows* use cream." Julia Child (American cook, 1912-2004)

"Peanuts! What's happened to peanuts! Now every bugger's allergic to peanuts. It's true, you open a packet of peanuts now and a bunch of five year olds in a five-mile radius slam to the floor jabbing themselves with fucking adrenaline." Lee Evans (English comedian, 1964-)

It takes some skill to spoil a breakfast – even the English can't do it. J. K. Galbraith (Canadian-born American economist, 1908-2006)

"Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?" Homer Simpson by Matt Groening (American humorist and satirist, 1954-)

"Vegetarianism is harmless enough, though it is apt to fill a man with wind and self-righteousness." Robert Hutchinson (Scottish physician, 1871-1960)

"It has nothing to do with frogs' legs. No amphibian is harmed in the making of toad-in-the-hole." Nigella Lawson (British journalist and cookery writer, 1960-) to an American audience

"Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?" Marilyn Monroe (American actress, 1926-62) on having matzo balls for the third time at Arthur Miller's parents' house

"I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it – after all, they've already given us tasteless bread." Robert Orben (American comedy writer, 1927-)

Cheese. Shropshire Blue. It's so high in calorific content that you need only rub against it, and that's enough. Eric Pickles (British Conservative politician, 1952-) explaining why he is so large