Marriage

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

"Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can't sleep with the window shut and a woman who can't sleep with the window open."

Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted the whole day.

"Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's *mad.*happiest.*in charge.*

Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that they're too *old*important*young* to do it.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Had date night tonight. Went to Lowe's and bought a toilet.

I think people should mate for life – like pigeons, or Catholics.

Marriage is the only *war*agreement*time* where one sleeps with the enemy.

All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble.

The marriage suffered a setback in 1965 when the husband was killed by the wife.

I'm not going to make the same mistake once.

Love matches are formed by people who pay for a month of honey with a life of vinegar.

It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four.

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all.

I am not at all the sort of person you and I took me for.

Marriage is a feast where the *grace*dessert*chef* is better than the dinner.

Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

Marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."

I support gay marriage because I believe they have a right to be just as *miserable*happy*annoyed* as the rest of us.

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished.

My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in *sheep.*dogs.*parrots.*

Do you think I'd marry anyone who would marry me?

The most difficult year of marriage is the one you're in.

The honeymoon is over when he phones that he'll be late for supper – and she has already left a note that it's in the refrigerator.

Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.