Medicine

"The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease."

Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.

Laughter is the best medicine – unless you're diabetic, then *insulin*crying*chocolate* comes pretty high on the list.

Poisons and medicine are oftentimes the same substance given with different intents.

My doctor gave me two weeks to live. I hope they're in August.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

"I'm not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

After twelve years of therapy, my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said: 'No hablo ingles.'

What's the difference between God and a surgeon? God doesn't think he's a surgeon.

I'm taking *a rubber hammer*a knife*a coffee* to the doctor's office so it will be a fair fight this time.

I am dying with the help of too many physicians.

I was in for ten hours and had 40 pints, beating my previous record by 20 minutes.

Physician: One on whom we set our hopes when ill, and our dogs when well.

A fashionable surgeon, like a pelican, can be recognized by the size of his bill.

A Harvard medical school study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's *temperature.*name.*age.* Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.

"A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors."

A hospital is no place to be sick.

If you have a stomach ache, in France you get a suppository, in Germany a health spa, in the United States they cut your stomach open, and in Britain they put you on a waiting list.

A specialist is a man who knows more and more about less and less.

Cured yesterday of my disease, I died last night of my physician.

"There would never be any public agreement among doctors if they did not agree to agree on the main point of the doctor being always in the right."

I can't stand whispering. Every time a doctor whispers in the hospital, next day there's a *funeral.*fight.*thunder storm.*