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Funny Quotations about Sex

quotations about sex

Ah, sex. It's the one thing we're not supposed to talk about in polite company, but let's face it, it's pretty hard to ignore. Whether you're a virgin, a celibate, or a self-proclaimed sexpert, we can all agree that sex is a big part of the human experience. It's like a roller-coaster ride, but with fewer safety restraints and more screaming. It's the one thing that can make us feel alive, even if it means we have to go to the doctor the next day.

So let's take a deep dive into the world of sex, where the only thing more unpredictable than your partner's orgasm is the next pandemic.

"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love." Woody Allen (American film director, writer, and actor, 1935-)

AI image of Woody Allen in the style of Claude Monet

"Sex is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest." Anon

AI image of Anonymous in the style of Pablo Picasso

I'm not saying I'm bad in bed, but I once gave a guy *a high-five*a medal*surprised look* after he came. Anon

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good." Woody Allen (director and actor, 1935-)

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. *Yes*Forty-two*Never* is the answer." Anon

"My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty." Woody Allen (American film director, writer, and actor, 1935-)

"Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right." Woody Allen (American film director, writer, and actor, 1935-)

AI image of Woody Allen in the style of Pablo Picasso

"My brain? It's my second favourite organ." Woody Allen (American film director, writer, and actor, 1935-)

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said 'no'. Woody Allen (American film director, writer, and actor, 1935-)

"Sex is a bit like a game of bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." Mae West (American actress, 1892-1980)

"I'm not saying I'm a sex symbol, but when I go outside in a trench coat, women give me directions." Rodney Dangerfield (American comedian, 1921-2004)

"Bisexuality: It immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Woody Allen (American film director, writer, and actor, 1935-)

Have you seen that movie? Maris and I rented the video. I don't mind telling you we pushed our beds together that night! And that was no mean feat; her room, as you know, is across the hall! David Angell 1946-2001, Peter Casey, and David Lee American television producers

You should make a point of trying every experience once, excepting incest and *folk-dancing.*bestiality*chess.* Anon

Give me chastity and continency – *but not yet!*so I can serve God.*to curb my urges.* St Augustine of Hippo (Roman Christian theologian, AD 354–430)

"You'll have to ask somebody older than me." Eubie Blake (American ragtime pianist, 1883-1983) upon being asked, at the age of ninety-seven, at what age the sex drive goes

"On life's long road I have found the penis to be a most unreliable compass." David L. Bloomer (Scottish badminton player, 1912-96)

"Sex has never been an obsession with me. It's just like *eating a bag of crisps.*patting a dog.*riding a roller-coaster.* Quite nice, but nothing marvellous." Boy George (English pop singer and songwriter, 1961-)

"Genitals are a great distraction to scholarship." Malcolm Bradbury (English novelist and critic, 1932-2000)

"Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing." Charles Bukowski (German-born American writer, 1920-94)

"It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses." Mrs Patrick Campbell (English actress, 1865-1940) on homosexuality

"Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place." Lowell Ganz (screenwriter, 1948-)

*Masturbation*MTV*Family Guy* is the thinking man's television. Christopher Hampton (English dramatist, 1946-)

"He was into animal husbandry – until they caught him at it." Tom Lehrer (American humorist, 1928-)

What's the worst thing about oral sex? *The view.*The end bit.*The neck ache.* Maureen Lipman (English actress, 1946-)

"A promiscuous person: Someone who is getting more sex than you are." Victor Lownes (American businessman, 1928-)

"Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls." Groucho Marx (American film comedian, 1890-1977)

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